Raising A Child With Special Needs—You Are So Brave, Mama

This is Jackson. My 3 year old, first born. Jackson has speech delay. He is also in the process of getting tested for autism, a developmental spectrum disorder. No, I’m not telling you this so you can feel sorry for me or my son. And no, it does not make my son any less smart or capable despite the challenges and frustrations that comes along with his developmental delay. I am not seeking your pity by talking about my son. Maybe just a little bit of your attention. I want your attention if you are a parent yourself, a professional who works with children, or someone who just loves children.

Being a Hmong mother who advocates for her developmental delayed child can be extremely exhausting, discouraging, and lonely. No one understands the struggle unless they go through it themselves. I knew something was “wrong” with Jackson when he turned 2, and he couldn’t speak words/sentences to us. He cried all the time (YES, ALL THE FREAKING TIME) because we didn’t know what he needed and what was bothering him. He was aggressive, a clean freak, obsessed with certain toys/objects, and a very picky eater. I cried at night looking at my son wondering what went wrong. Was it because I didn’t’ take my prenatal daily? Was it because I was induced early with Jackson? Is it because he stayed in the NICU due to sepsis and jaundice? Am I just a shitty mom who don’t know how to raise kids correctly? I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I felt lost, and still do now sometimes.

When Jackson was 2 1/2 years old, I finally talked to his pediatrician about my concern, and he was diagnosed with speech delay. I sought therapy for Jackson immediately. He received speech therapy within a month. After 6 months of speech therapy…

OUR. LIVES. CHANGED.

Especially Jackson’s life. He can talk more using more words to tell us what he wants. He became less aggressive because his needs were met. He started to see the difference in speaking to us to get our attention instead of banging things around the house or crying. Things started to get better. Maybe I wasn’t a shitty mom after all? I still cried because I was so happy Jackson was improving, but our main goal for him is still a work in progress.

Jackson is currently in preschool, and he meets with his speech therapist twice a week. Along with speech therapy, he learns how to regulate his emotions, develop social skills with his classmates, transition from one activity to another (without having a meltdown), and gets a headstart on learning his alphabets, shapes, numbers, colors, and other cognitive development.

Here are 4 things we want you to know:

1. Parenting kids with special needs is a whole new level of exhaustion and frustration. When we tell you we’re exhausted, please don’t invalidate us. We try and want so much for our kids, but at the same time, we must remember their uniqueness and how to meet their needs first.

2. We cry alot. The frustration is real. The guilt is deep. Sometimes all we can accomplish in our day is holding our kids and crying with them. We’ll save our hope and energy for another day honestly. Some days feel hopeless and frustrating, but it is not the end.

3. We feel alone. We hear other parents complain about regular things about their kids, then here we are having our own complaints about our kids that is completely out of the world for those parents. What may seem like a small deal to you can be a huge deal for our kids with special needs.

4. We want our family and friends to support and love our kids the way they need to be loved. Being Hmong, having a disability or developmental delay is frown upon. We will always have some family members who don’t support therapy and treatment because they feel ashamed and don’t want our child to be labeled as a “stupid” child.

So, the next time you see a frustrated, angry mom and her screaming child, please don’t judge her. If you see her child hitting another child, please don’t assume that she don’t discipline her child. If you see her child banging his head continuously on the wall, please don’t call her son crazy. If you see her child with a medical condition, and she’s making a lot of noises digging to find her child’s medications, please don’t get annoyed. Smile at her and give her reassurance that no matter how bad her day is going, she is still being the best mom she can be for her kids.

This one is for you moms who have kids with special needs. I see your tears. I see your doubts. I see your sadness. I see your frustration. I see your fears. But I also see your resilience. I see your tearful joy. I see your deep appreciation. I see your simplicity. I see your undying hope. I see you, mama.

You are so brave. You are so strong. You are such a badass mom. You are exactly the mom your child needs because of who you are. We got this, mama.

Always bad,