7 Things You Learn When You Lose Your Parents As A Hmong Child

I come from a family of seven children. My siblings and I lost both of our parents due to murder-suicide when we were age ranging from 2 to 12 years. I was only five when I lost both of my parents. Losing your parents is probably one of the hardest things anyone will ever have to experience in life. However, losing your parents as a child is completely cruel and inexplicable. How do you comfort and help a child who just lost their parents? What will happen to that child? All these questions come up when people hear sad stories of young children losing their parents. Many times these children have no place to go. They continue on with their lives under the care of their grandparents, aunts and uncles, close relatives and friends of the deceased parents, or the foster care system.

1. PEOPLE DON’T KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LOSE THEIR PARENTS AS A CHILD UNLESS THEY EXPERIENCED IT TOO.

I hate to say this, but when adult family and friends lose their parents, and they tell me they know how it feels, I have to say no you don’t. There’s nothing more invalidating than to compare losing a parent as an adult to someone who lost their parents as a child. The big difference is we never got the chance to build a relationship and create memories with our parents like you did. We will never know how it feels to have our parents lecture, comfort, and love us as adults. We will always wonder how life would be like if they saw us graduate middle school, high school, college, or got married and had kids. No, you don’t know how it feels to have the Hmong community disrespect you because you are an orphan; the way how they talk bad about you and your parents to your face. They doubt you, and say you will never succeed in life because you don’t have parents who are there to love and guide you. Or the countless times I’ve felt hatred towards my siblings and I for being orphans. People looked down on us and said the most hurtful things to us. They felt like they had the right to treat us that way because they know we don’t have our parents to protect us. We have to experience life twice as hard just because peb yog me nyuam ntsuag (we are orphans). Nothing is given or handed down to us. If we want something, we had to work extra hard just to get it. We don’t have our parents to be there to support us financially, so we can focus on normal stuff like normal kids do. We desired love and attention from fatherly and motherly figures. We learned early on how painful and lonely it feels to miss your parents; to fantasize or even dream about them returning from the dead. When we see other kids with their parents, we are secretly jealous, hurt, and heartbroken. We have to deal with our trauma and grief in our own ways whether that’s post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), aggression, depression, denial, sleep disorder, etc. As an adult now when I look back to my childhood after losing my parents, I think to myself, “How the hell did I survive that?” What do I do with the trauma and memories I have? How can I make this a positive outcome, so I can grow and become a better version of myself? Today is still a work in progress, healing and processing my own childhood trauma.

2. YOUR BOND WITH YOUR SIBLINGS IS SECRETLY YOUR STRONGEST BOND. 

I cannot stress this enough. When you go through horrifying trauma with your siblings, it brings you guys so much closer than anything else. When you lose the two most important people in your life, the next closest people you hold onto dear life are your siblings. I am the middle child. I remembered after hearing the news of my deceased parents, the people I went looking for were my two oldest siblings. They involuntarily became our “mother” and “father”. It’s sad because they don’t get to make a choice. They had to be strong for all the younger siblings no matter how scared and crushed their hearts were. They were only kids, just like me too. They cried; not like crying because our parents spanked them. They cried with so much sadness in a way I’ve never seen before that it made me cry too. It hurts to see your siblings cry and wail for your parents. It makes you want to take their pain away, but how can you do that when you can’t even understand and take that pain away from yourself? When you see your siblings hurt, it makes you hurt and suffer as well. It makes your heart feel ripped apart and want to protect them. This is the kind of hurt you remember for the rest of your life because it’s haunting in its heaviness. As we grow older, we see the sacrifices we’ve all made for one another especially the sacrifices my two oldest siblings made. When we were younger, we never really spoke to each other about the tragedy with our parents, but as we became young adults, we slowly shared what we heard and saw during those traumatic nights and moments. Piece by piece, we put all the pieces together from our memories and experiences, and it was almost like watching a whole movie put together of the night that changed our lives forever. These memories are hard to talk about as we hold back our tears and act tough because we know deep inside those memories still haunt us. It is still rare for us to talk about our parents and truly cry to one another because we are so used to being strong all the time. But it feels so damn good and reviving when we talk about these things, and we can let go of the agony we’ve been holding inside. We can stand there vulnerable, drenched in our raw emotions and tears. If I can spend my time with anyone in this world, it would always be my siblings. If I can lay down my life for anyone in this world, it would be my siblings. My bond with them is like no another. They make me cry like there’s no tomorrow. But they make me love hard. They are my motivation in life to pursue my hopes and dreams. They believe in me so much that I believe I can achieve anything in life with their support. Their love for me is irreplaceable and uncontainable that no other love can come close. The thought of losing my siblings feels like my life is being taken away. It feels like I’m breathing, but I’m an empty vessel. They say when you love someone so much, it hurts. I love my siblings so much that it hurts because we’ve been through so much together. When we are together under one roof, it feels like we are home again like the good ol’ days. It makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. Everything will be okay just as long as we stand together as one.

3. YOU’RE FORCED TO GROW UP FAST.

One of the most common things people always say to me is, “You are so mature for your age.” It’s strange when people don’t know about my background, but they always somehow see the maturity and responsibility I possess. After my parent’s death, my siblings and I were separated because no family was willing to care for seven children. My youngest brother and I stayed with one of my uncles while my other siblings stayed with another uncle. I remembered when my other siblings left, I wanted to leave with my sisters, but I was not chosen. My uncle and aunt said my siblings would return in a few days, so I was willing to stay behind with them. Days became weeks, and weeks became months. I waited and waited, then one day it hit me like a wrecking ball that I lost them too. I accepted that they weren’t coming back, and we had to live separately. I cried for them silently at night, not showing my distraught emotions to my uncle and aunt. I stopped hoping and depending on my older siblings to come back to care for me. I learned fast that no matter how much I cried, my parents weren’t coming back. I learned fast that I had to do things for myself. I learned fast that life becomes a little bit easier if I just accept it and stop wishing for things that I couldn’t have. Learning all these things at such a young age made me grew up fast. When you’re forced to grow up fast, in the midst of it, you have to wipe your own tears and pat your own back to get through it. You learn to depend solely on yourself because the two people you used to depend so much on are no longer alive. It is drilled in your brain, and you keep telling yourself to be strong and independent. Even as an adult now, I still have a hard time displaying my emotions and crying in front of people because I’ve always depended on myself emotionally. I’ve always cried to myself and learned to intellectualized the pain I was feeling. It was my way of growing up and living through the trauma.

4. YOU CAN READ THROUGH THE BULLSHIT.

After the death of my parents, we became big news on the TV. Everyone knew us and our parents. We had all sorts of people who wanted to adopt us or take us in to foster. Why? Because whoever were our guardians were guarantee an amount of money from donations and charities to care for us. That amount of money was not cheap. Thankfully, we were taken in by relatives. Kids are not dumb. They can tell who are the bad and good guys, most of the time, right? If there’s anything I despise the most in this world, it is insincere, deceitful, and selfish people; people who have hidden agendas and bad intentions towards you. My siblings and I have come across some good people and some very terrible people. We’ve experienced all sorts of different people that when we come across bad people, we just know it. No one can read people as well as my siblings and I can. I’m trying really hard not to sound like I’m bragging, but it sucks to have this intuition and skill because it means we had our share of people trying to hurt and use us. We’ve experienced people who we thought we could trust, but instead they used us for their own gain. We can tell who are sincere to us, and we appreciate those people. These people treat us with dignity despite what happened to us. They never talk down on us or our parents. They treat us like humans and have compassion in their voices. They make us feel included and welcomed. I always try to see the good in everyone I come across with; in fact, I give many people second chances. However, if I sense a person has bad intentions towards me or they are insincere, then I will remove them out of my life. And I feel no remorse or regret because I just don’t have the energy for that kind of negativity anymore. My tolerance has lowered with age, and I rather surround myself with family and friends who are there for me earnestly.

5. LIFE IS EVEN HARDER WITHOUT THEM WHEN YOU BEGIN TO HAVE CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN.

People always say we don’t know how much our parents love us until we have children of our own. I honestly don’t know if that rings true for me because of the mixed emotions I have when I had my first child. When I had Jackson, I was filled with all sorts of emotions. It wasn’t your typical postpartum “baby blues” or feeling stressed due to the transition of being a first-time mom. I had a hard time bonding with Jackson truthfully because I couldn’t stop crying and thinking about my parents. I remembered in the middle of the night as I looked upon my son’s sleepy face, I sobbed desperately to myself thinking, “If this is how much I love my son, then how could you guys left us if you guys loved us? Were we not any importance to you guys? You guys didn’t just have one child. You guys had 7 children…” I felt so much sorrow, anger, and disappointment. At one point, I really thought my parents didn’t love us, that’s why they left us so miserably. As time went on as my son got older around 6 months, I started to miss my parents like crazy. I wanted them to be alive to see my son and their other grandkids. I would look at their pictures and talk to them as if they were here looking at my son. I thought about what kind of grandparents my parents would be. I imagined how beautiful it would be to see them laugh and play with their grandkids. I imagined how happy we would be if they were alive to love and be here for us. When I see my in-laws and current parents love and care for my kids, my heart dies a little inside for my parents. Oh, how I wished so bad that they were alive. Don’t they see what they’re missing out on? All these questions and thoughts fill my mind, and they all come out as tears on my face. I’m left speechless and numb, raising my kids without my parents. One day when my kids are mature enough to understand, I will have to share this painful part of me to them. How do I tell them? How can I stop myself from crying when I say those words to them? My heart aches thinking about what to say. I don’t know if I will ever get over this. I probably won’t, and that’s okay. I will always miss my parents whenever I look at my kids because when I look at my kids, I see my parents in them. My sons have my mother’s eyes. When they smile, I see my parents’ dimples. All in all, maybe I get to have a little piece of my parents through my kids. And that’s enough for me in this lifetime.

6. YOU DEVELOP GRIT AND LEARN TO BE HUMBLE

Without pain and hardships, a person cannot change and grow. Despite the trauma, it has taught me to look at my life obstacles as the driving force to my goals and dreams. Perseverance is a tool to keep fighting the good fight because no one is going to do it for you. No one is going to make me happy and successful except myself. No matter how hard it is and how long it takes, if I keep going, I know I will get there. I lived on my own at age 17, balancing school, work, paying my bills, rent, and trying to maintain a life. There were many times I starved for days, but that was my least concern. I knew as long as I had water, I would be fine. I was focused on my education and working hard because I knew that would get me to a better place than where I was then. I don’t live a lavish life. I am frugal and a bargain shopper. I’m not ashamed of buying used clothes or shopping at Goodwill and thrift stores. I learned to live humbly and give to others who are struggling as well. I believe everyone is fighting a silent battle they tell no one about. I believe everyone can use a little kindness because we’ve all been hurt. We all can get tired and discouraged. I’m not the best person in the world, but I know my words can make a small difference in someone’s life. I’ve encountered many failures in life where it makes me question if I have the strength to go on. I’ve suffered from severe depression and attempted suicide before. I’ve accomplished many goals I’ve set for myself. I’ve been at my happiest before. My highs and lows in life contribute to the resilience and humility I have. Because of this, I have learned to not dwell on my sadness and failures too much. Also, it’s important to celebrate your success and achievements. And above all, it’s important to acknowledge those who have helped you along the way. My hardships remind me to be conscientious and determined, and my successes remind me to be humble and kind. Life is so unpredictable and intangible. The only thing we can be sure about is who we are and how we choose to live our lives.

7. YOU CHERISH THE GOOD MEMORIES YOU HAVE AS A CHILD AND LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE BAD.

It’s important to understand the trauma that happened to us, so we can find solutions and healing for ourselves. I believe we shouldn’t ignore and forget about the bad because it is real and it happened. I believe we should face our traumas and fears, and learn to accept and live with it. We cannot lie to ourselves to make us feel better. We cannot run away from the truth. We can only accept what has happened and determine how we will react to it. Will we allow our traumas to manipulate our future, or will we find ways to accept and heal from it? There are so many bad memories I have of my childhood, but there are also good and funny memories too. I chose to hold onto and replay the good ones most of the time. It’s healing and therapeutic for me to remember the good times I had with my parents and siblings. It reminds me that life is not all bad. It makes me appreciate the small things in life I have with my loved ones. It makes me use my time more wisely. It makes me want to live a little more because life is good. Life is the fine balance between good and bad, sadness and happiness, love and hated, success and failure, and birth and death. But sometimes those sad and painful memories crawl into our minds. When it does, it’s okay to feel those emotions and cry. It’s okay for us to lose our sanity for a moment. It’s okay to remember that these painful memories were real. But when we’re done with the bad memories, we must let it go and not linger on it. We cannot change the past. We can only live with it and move on forward with the decisions we make for ourselves. Once in a while, I will have family and friends bring up my parents. It is especially common with the Hmong elders talking about my parents and siblings. It’s not their fault that they are curious, but I get to decide where the conversation ends. And it will always end with me protecting my family’s name and honor. No family is perfect. Parents make mistakes just like us children do. We can only learn from the past and become better for our future. I am not ashamed or fearful of my past and the trauma inflicted upon me. It is part of me, and made me who I am today. It is a crucial component that developed me into a strong, compassionate, and tough Hmong woman. I will forever be proud to be my parent’s daughter.

Always bad,